Ruined
by Idunnowhy
Summary: Picks up following the events of Serenity, when both Mal and Inara admit they're ruined for anyone else.
1. Chapter 1

Leaning her head against the cabinets that held the ship's meagre food supplies, Inara laughed. There, sitting right where she'd left it, was a small container of tea and the tools to brew it. She'd forgotten it when she'd left, had wondered what Mal had done with it when she remembered.

"Captain wouldn't let us have any of it after you left." With the comfortable swagger Inara had always envied, Zoe came over to stand beside her. She nodded her head at the tea. "Not that we knew what to do with it, but none of us really wanted to. It was like having a piece of you, after you were gone."

"That's sweet." Inara leaned forward to wrap her arms around her friend. The grief of Wash's death was still fresh on Zoe's face, and Inara ached for her. "I missed you all," she whispered, pulling back and planting a kiss on Zoe's cheek. "I'm so sorry about Wash."

She stepped back, reaching out for a second cup, and began the familiar ritual that she had performed so many times since her apprenticeship on Sihnon.

"What are you going to do now?" Zoe asked.

"I don't know. To be honest, I was so certain we weren't going to live this long that I hadn't given it much thought." Oh, and wasn't that a brazen, blatant lie, one she sincerely hoped Zoe didn't call her out on. As if she'd thought of anything else since coming back to Serenity. Inara's eyes flickered up, almost against her will, at the sound of Mal's voice coming from somewhere in the cavernous ship. Zoe followed her gaze, shaking her head.

"Life's too damn short to keep runnin', Nara."

"I'm sorry?" Flushing, Inara jerked her gaze back to her tea. "What are you talking about?"

"Talkin' about you and the Captain." Zoe took the cup Inara offered. "We all been watchin' the two of you dance around each other. No one said anything 'cuz we didn't think it was our business. But…" Zoe paused, a hand drifting lightly down to her abdomen. "Do you know how many times Wash and I talked about havin' babies?"

"No." Inara felt a slow smile slip across her face. "Zoe…are you…?"

"No. Least I don't think so," Zoe amended. "Thing is, every time I brought it up, Wash said it was the wrong time. He didn't want to raise a baby on Serenity. Always figured we'd have time. He was wrong. There's never enough time, Inara. Life's short. Shorter for us than most. And there's nothing worse than coming face to face with the realization that you lost your chance while you were too busy runnin' scared to take it.

"Thanks for the tea."

Inara watched Zoe walk out, tears of frustration pricking at the back of her eyelids. Zoe didn't know, couldn't know, how deep her words cut. Not because she was wrong, but because she was right. Life was short, and Wash's death had proven that none of them were indestructible.

She hadn't needed the reminder. She was pretty sure the sight of Mal, stumbling, beaten and bruised after his run in with the Alliance's assassin and only alive by the grace of a little nerve damage, was going to be burned onto her brain for the rest of eternity. She hadn't lost him then, but she knew she could have. Just like she could have in the temple, and a hundred times before.

No point in lying to herself. Not now. She was in love with Malcolm Reynolds. Had been for a long time. It was why she'd left the Serenity, and as much as she fought to deny it, it was why she hadn't taken a client since Nandi's death. Teaching had been safe. She could make her living without having to admit, even to herself, that she no longer wished to be a companion.

She just wanted him.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Tea time? And you didn't think to share?"

Propping an arm on the door to the galley, Mal raised an eyebrow at Inara and tried to ignore how damn good it felt to have her there. On his ship, looking down her nose in that snotty way she had. He'd never thought a woman being snotty was attractive before, but damned if it didn't work for her.

"As a matter of fact, I did. You just missed Zoe." Smiling, she reached behind her and pulled down another cup, pouring into it and handing it over without him having to ask. The gesture surprised him, and made him a little suspicious, truth be told-he and Inara didn't exactly have a history of sharing niceities-but he was chilled to the bone from having spent the last who knows how long outside Serenity's hull, and the cup was warm when he wrapped his hands around it.

Whatever she wanted, he'd deal with it when he could feel his fingers.

"Thanks," he grunted, tipping it up to his lips and trying not to flinch at the bitterness of it. He'd never liked tea. Give him a good cup of coffee or a shot of whiskey any day of the week. But when Inara leaned against the countertop, giving him a soft smile over the top of her cup that he hadn't seen aimed in his direction in a helluva long time, he found himself swallowing it down.

"How are repairs going?"

"She's still flyin'." Only just. They'd taken a not inconsiderable amount of damage thumbing their nose at both the reavers and the Alliance. Since neither one of them was fixin' to help pay for the damage to Serenity, he, Zoe and Kaylee were putting her back together one piece at a time.

They were going to need some income soon. Kaylee needed parts. They were running low on fuel, and the crew had already scraped up everything they had to give. Hard to take a job when you didn't have a ship though.

And wasn't that a lovely thing to ponder, he thought bitterly, setting the tea down with a thump. Especially standing in front of Inara, all decked out in her silks and gold frippery.

"I got to get back to work," he said gruffly. "Thanks for the tea."

He walked out of the galley without looking back, nearly running over Kaylee.

"Ta me da, Kaylee, watch where you're headed. Like to end up knocked out and bleedin' on the floor."

"Shi shi Captain." Kaylee beamed at his with that sunny smile of hers. "Nice to have 'Nara back, innit? 'Specially now that we're not all gettin' blowed up and runnin' fer our lives."

"We're still runnin' for our lives. Pretty sure that ain't gonna change any time soon."

"Still nice to have her back."

Mal felt that sick shifting in his gut that had become all too familiar since Inara had set foot on his ship more'n a year ago. More so since she'd stepped back off it again.

"Don't get too used to it, little bit," he muttered. "Like as not she's going to leave again minute we get back near a civilized planet."

"She don't hafta." Kaylee hesitated, suddenly shy. "You could rent her shuttle back to her. She could go back to takin' clients 'stead of teachin', and things could go back to the way they used to be. Bet she'd stay if you asked."

The thought of Inara going back to work, taking clients…bringing them on his ship…going back and forth to parties and houses that would sooner shoot him and his crew than let them inside…did absolutely nothing to fix the foul mood he'd been fighting with all day.

"Case you missed it, we're floatin' half dead in space. Ain't got enough money, ain't got enough food, and ain't got no job on the horizon lessen we get Serenity fixed up and flyin' again. So maybe you ought to get back down to the engine room and get to workin' on that 'stead of standin' jawin' round here."

The hurt look on her face made him sigh. It was never any fun snapping at his mechanic. She just gave you those wounded puppy dog eyes until you bent over backwards to apologize. "We ain't got nothin' to offer, Kaylee," he said gently. "She'd be a damn fool not to run for it first chance she got."

"You're wrong Captain. Serenity ain't nothin'." With that parting shot Kaylee turned and flounced off to the engine room, leaving him feeling like the biggest heel in the 'verse.

A/N: Hi guys! Thanks for reading! It's been a good long time since I've written fic, and these two have been stuck in my craw since the end of Serenity. I've always wondered how that gap between Serenity and Leaves on the Wind would have played out. Offering up one potential possibility!


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: This chapter is a play on a deleted scene from Serenity that I found on YouTube, and a storyline Joss Whedon announced for Firefly that never fully developed. Happy reading!_

" _Simon's portioning out overdoses of morphine, just in case."_

" _Cheerful fellow."_

Reaching into the small wooden box she kept carefully out of sight, Inara pulled out the clear syringe and held it up to the light. Such a small thing, to be able to do so much damage. But wasn't it always the way?

She couldn't count how many times in the days since Simon had given it to her she'd thought about using it. Bringing an end to her troubles, swift and clean. She'd thought about it before she'd left Sihnon, but hadn't had the courage to do so. It was part of the reason she'd chosen to fly with Serenity to begin with. She'd told herself that it was to see more of the galaxy before she died, and it was. But she also suspected the shortened lifespan Zoe had mentioned had something to do with it.

It was just her bad luck that the captain and crew had made it home instead of her grave. What would have happened if she'd boarded a ship other than the Serenity that day?

" _Time to stop runnin'"_

Wasn't that the truth? She was so tired. Tired of running from her past. Tired of running from the law. Tired of running from her feelings. And so, so tired of running from the spectre looming over her shoulder every waking moment.

She, Inara Serra, who had never backed down from anything, had spent the last year and a half with her head buried in the sand. As if ignoring her problems would make them go away. She wasn't a child. It was far past time she stopped acting like one.

Reaching into the case with a sigh, she pulled out another vial. This one, tinted a light green, she topped with a needle and injected in her thigh, wincing just a little at the familiar sting and burn. Then she snapped the wooden lid shut with a gentleness she didn't feel, tucked it under her arm and headed to the infirmary.

"Simon? Do you have a moment?"

The doctor glanced up from the screen he was staring at. His hands were full of liquids and syringes-River's medication, no doubt. Although she'd been doing much better since Miranda, the girl still wasn't sleeping well. Inara had heard her screams in the middle of the night. Simon had been doing his best to come up with a combination of drugs that would help without leaving her knocked out for days on end.

"You're busy. I can…" Inara waved a hand in the air to imply she could come back.

"No, please. Come in." Simon smiled, setting down the contents of his hands and turning to lean against the counter. "Truth is, I could use a break. It seems like it's still one step forward, two steps back. What can I do for you?"

"How is River?" she asked, suddenly anxious to delay the reason for her visit.

Simon shrugged. "She's still doing well during the day, which I'm grateful for. And she hasn't gotten up in the middle of the night to murder anyone."

"So as well as can be expected, then," she said with a smile. "I'm sure Jayne will be happy to hear it."

Rolling his eyes, Simon walked over and closed the infirmary door. "As much as I appreciate it, you didn't come bearing gifts to talk about River. What can I do for you?"

Wordlessly, Inara held out the box. Simon popped the top, then let out a soft swoosh of air.

"Is this what I think it is?"

"Quite likely."

"Inara." Simon set the box gently on the counter next to him, its contents still exposed. "I'm so sorry. How long?"

"I've known since shortly before boarding Serenity. As to how long…2 years. 3 at the most."

"Does the Captain know?"

"No, and I'd appreciate it if you'd keep it that way." Inara slumped against the wall of the infirmary. "It makes me a liability, and quite frankly, he has enough on his plate right now."

Simon sighed, walking over to pull her into a hug. Inara held on, mortified to feel tears stinging the backs of her eyes…but she let the first one slip, and then the second, and the next thing she knew she was sobbing out her exhaustion and fear in Simon's arms.

Bless him, Simon just stood there and held her until the storm had passed. Pulling back, she wiped her eyes and gave him a watery smile. "Thank you." She gestured at the dark splotches on the fabric over his chest. "I think I ruined your shirt."

"No. If that was all it took, Jayne would have destroyed it a long time ago. I've never seen anyone with such a gift for making themselves bleed." Simon straightened, the wry smile slipping from his face. "Are you having symptoms yet?"

"No, the medication's kept them at bay…but it won't for long if we don't dock on a central planet where I can get more."

The two of them stood there staring at each other, each of them silently acknowledging the futility of that request. While Inara was still a registered companion (the guild hadn't been able to strip her of that, although god knows they'd tried), it was now common knowledge that she was flying with Captain Reynolds and Simon and River Tam. The minute she stepped into a hospital, it would be over.

"Time for another heist?" Inara laughed, remembering Simon's last foray into crime.

"Could be."

"They gave you a year's supply when you went in for your last checkup?" She nodded. "Alright. You have a little time. I might be able to come up with something."

"I appreciate you trying, thank you." Inara pulled Simon in for a hug, then turned to leave. Simon had things to do, and she…well, she would find something. She didn't see Simon count to ten, then slip out behind her to head for the bridge.


	4. Chapter 4

Mal was tucked up underneath Serenity's flight panel trying to rewire their guidance system when Simon came storming onto the bridge. River was curled into Wash's old chair, feet wrapped up underneath her. From his vantage point Mal could see the tips of her toes, painted red. Looked like she'd been hanging around with Inara again.

"River, what's the nearest central planet to here?"

"Doesn't matter. We need to go to Ariel. I already set the course."

Mal's ears pricked up in disbelief. What in the joo fuen chse was going on on his boat?

"Mei mei." He saw Simon bend down to kiss River on the head. "That's sweet. But it might be wise to tell the captain first."

THANK you. Good to know one of these two had some idea who was in command of this ship. Even if it was the one up here yammering on about getting himself killed by going to a central planet. Not, he realized wryly, that he was going to be able to do a whole helluva lot about it if River decided to mutiny and take over his ship.

"Captain already knows."

"He does? How?"

"I just told him." River ducked her head under the console and beamed at him. "Ain't that right?"

Mal pushed himself out from underneath the console and scowled up at her. Simon, standing behind her, was looking sick.

"She didn't mean to…I mean…" He stammered, clearly trying to figure out how he was going to get his sister out of this one. Mal was slightly amused that Simon was still so afraid of him.

"I'm going to skip right past the part where you're takin' my boat somewhere I didn't tell her to go and get straight to the part where I ask what kind of wu to wu now plan you two have hatched up. Case you don't remember, we're all manner of unwelcome on Ariel right now. If you want to commit suicide, I've got an airlock would do the job nicely without getting the rest of us killed."

"But then Inara would die too," River said in a dreamy voice. "She'll never tell."

"What about Inara?" Mal asked sharply, pushing himself to his feet and reaching over River's shoulder to turn off Serenity's thrusters. They could sit and idle for a few minutes in space while he figured out what was going on.

"She's sick," River said cheerfully, leaning back in the chair. Mal snapped his eyes up to Simon, who frowned down at River.

"That's not exactly how I was going to tell him, Mei Mei. But she's right," he added, looking up at Mal. "She's sick, and if we don't stop on one of the central planets and get her some medicine she's going to die. Horribly."

"What are you talkin' about? She looks fine." Mal scowled, trying to ignore the sick feeling creeping into his belly telling him something wasn't right.

"She would. She's still getting her meds. She came to me this morning with a box of RDCB-1. It's an injection used to treat Frederick's disease. It's a degenerative disorder of the spine and nervous system, and it's terminal." Simon met his eyes, and Mal wanted to throw up at the urgency there. "RDCB-1 slows down the symptoms, buys the patient another five to ten years." The doctor took a deep breath. "She told me the last time she was seen, they told her two to three years. But she only has medication for another month, two if I cut down her dose to the bare minimum. After that, her muscles will fail, she'll start to seize, and she'll suffocate to death over a matter of days."

"You're sayin' there ain't no cure, but without this medication she's goin' to die a lot sooner."

"And a whole lot harder."

"And Ariel is the only planet's gonna have this…whatever it is."

"No," said River before Simon could speak. "What they got's better."

"River?" From the look on his face, Simon didn't know what she was talking about either.

"There are new doctors. New meds. New trial." River pulled up Serenity's holoscreen to show Simon whatever was on it. "We can save her."

Simon leaned down to read whatever it was she was trying to show him, nodding slowly. "It looks like there's a study going for a new drug. Results have been spectacular. Given Inara's occupation, they would be thrilled to have her take part in it. Being able to publish that they cured a companion of a terminal disease would secure their funding for years."

"Alright. What are the odds we can grab this drug and get the hell out of dodge?"

"It doesn't work like that. She's going to need indefinite access, and I don't think that's something I can reverse engineer here. Especially not if changes needed to be made to concentrations, carriers. And if something went wrong, they have the resources to deal with it." Simon looked up, shaking his head. "I'm sorry Mal. Her best chance is for her to stay on Ariel."

Mal stood still for a moment, arguing with himself. But he knew in his heart there was only one answer. Leaning down, he hit the button to set Serenity moving forward again. Then he turned and walked off the bridge. River could handle the ship. He needed to talk to Inara.


	5. Chapter 5

"When are you coming back?"

Inara smiled at the screen. Shandi, one of the administrators at the academy and one of the few women on any planet she considered to be a friend, scowled back at her.

"I don't know if I am," she said honestly. "At least not right now."

Shandi sighed, irritation and amusement and acceptance written on her face. "I could hold you to your contract, you know."

"As the academy opened the doors and let the Alliance's assassin walk in and almost kill me, I'm not so sure you could." It was said in jest, but Shandi sobered at the reminder. The Guild took the safety of its companions, present and future, very personally. The fact that she had been allowed to be used as a lever against Mal, and nearly been killed in the process, was something they would take seriously.

Inara had no doubt that someone, somewhere, had been made very miserable on her behalf.

"Regardless, I wish you'd come home. I miss you."

Home. Where was home these days? She'd thought it was Sihnon, but that didn't feel right. The Academy wasn't home anymore either. Where Serenity and her crew was, that felt an awful lot like home…but she wasn't a part of it, not really. Not the way she wanted to be.

She ignored the little voice in her head that whispered that home was wherever Mal was. Or it would be, if she'd tear down the walls between them.

"I miss you too," she said, smiling. The sound of footsteps approaching her shuttle had her signing off quickly. River and Kaylee had worked together to ensure that her transmissions couldn't be traced, but she didn't want the lecture she knew Mal would give her if he walked in on her conversation. And to be honest, she wasn't ready to share Shandi with him.

They hadn't talked about what she'd done while she was away from Serenity. He hadn't asked, and she hadn't offered. She wasn't sure why.

It had been a relief, at first. She certainly didn't want to discuss why she'd left. Them. Serenity. Him. That would open too many doors she didn't want to walk through. But…

' _Time to stop runnin''_

She spun around on her stool, fixing a smile on her face as Mal strode through the door, then came to an abrupt halt. He turned in a slow circle, his eyes taking in the shuttle she'd begun to reclaim as her own. The crew had left her bed alone. She'd given the silks and satins she favored to Kaylee when she'd left-there'd been no need for them at the academy-and the mechanic had returned many of them. The walls were bare, as were the floors. She had little to her name at the moment, only what she'd had in her pockets when they ran and what she'd managed to pick up on the outer planets on the rare occasions they stopped. But it was enough that it was starting to feel like home.

From the constipated look of discomfort on his face, Inara wondered if she wouldn't have been better off sleeping on the guest cot in the spare bunk after all.

"You're going back to Ariel."

"I'm sorry, what?" It took a moment for her brain to shift gears. When it did, she wanted to scream. Ta ma dei…

"Simon told you."

"Question is, why didn't you?" he snapped, breathing heavily.

No, Inara realized, he wasn't uncomfortable. He was furious.

"What business of it was yours?" she snapped back, wincing as the words flew out of her mouth. Unable to stop herself. "We had a business arrangement. That doesn't entitle you to the details of my personal life."

"Seems to me we're a bit past that." The two of them stood frozen, staring angrily at each other while the unspoken implications of what he'd just said supercharged the air around them. It was Mal who broke the silence, and when he spoke, his words were soft and sad.

"Thought we were friends, 'Nara." He reached out hesitantly, then placed a hand on her shoulder. "Friends let each other know when they're dyin'."

"We're all dying, Mal. Just…some of us faster than most." She reached up to her shoulder, laying her hand across his. It was the first time in a long time they'd touched like this, with the sort of casual intimacy that wasn't possible with strangers. Inara let herself soak up the heat from his hand, and for just a moment, let herself lean on the strength behind it. "What's this about Ariel?"

"Seems River did some research on your behalf. Don't ask me how she knew," he said when she opened her mouth to protest. "One second she's fixin' the ship, next second she's takin' my boat somewhere I didn't tell her to go."

Oh, that would have made him furious, Inara thought, amused. Malcolm Reynolds may have led the crew of the Serenity with a velvet glove, but there was solid steel behind it. Nothing made him angrier than the loss of his command.

She understood it, she supposed. He had no family, no connections he cared about outside of Serenity's walls now that Haven was gone. If Serenity fell out of the sky, Mal would fall with it.

Realizing he was still talking, Inara tuned back in.

"Apparently there's some doctors on Ariel that have been doing some work with this…whatever it is disease you've got." Taking his hand from her shoulder, he stuck both hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth. "Says they've got some study going. Simon's pretty jazzed about it." He paused, looked at her. "'Nara, they've got a cure."

A cure. The words rocked her down to her core. The next thing she knew, the room was swaying, Mal was cursing, and she was floating.

No, not floating, she realized as blood slowly returned to her brain. She was being carried, wrapped in arms that were warm and hard and entirely unfamiliar. Over from where she'd stood to the bed in the corner, where he gently laid her down. When he went to slip his arms out from underneath her, she grabbed on to his shoulder, hanging on for dear life as the earth pitched and turned around her.

"Say that again," she rasped.

"They have a cure." When it became clear she wasn't going to be letting go, Mal gently eased his weight down to the side of the bed. "Least that's what they say. Simon seems to think you've got a chance."

A chance. She couldn't even wrap her head around the idea. "Is this…is this for real?" She searched his eyes, those calm brown eyes that suddenly held all the answers to questions she'd never dared to ask. In them she found what she was looking for. Hope. Fear. The confidence that was always his, no matter the situation, so at odds with the squirming in her stomach.

Without thinking, she pulled him down, pressing her lips to his. They were soft and gentle, the smell of him wrapping around her the way it had in a million lonely dreams, and she moaned as she clung to the only thing that was solid in her world.

Mal froze for a moment, and she felt the shock waves ripple down his back through the soft pads of her fingers. Then his hands tightened on the back of her dress and he was kissing her back, restrained strength in the tensed muscles beneath her hands even though his lips were gentle, and Inara could feel the promise of passion beneath it all.

Passion mixed with tenderness and genuine desire. The knowledge in that moment that she was wanted, treasured, not for what she was but for WHO she was. It was everything she'd wanted from him, everything she'd dreamed of every time she'd turned and walked away, and she gave herself over to it.


End file.
